In a short press release released today by the Department for Digital, Culture, Media & Sport (DCMS) we have learned that the 3 mainland UK organisations, Historic Environment Scotland, CADW and Historic England are to be merged into one UK wide organisation. The DCMS alledgedly helps drive growth, enrich lives and promote Britain abroad, as well as help take on chocolate based looters -after archaeologists have done the hard work.
The announcement comes amid Westminster claims that the UK does “not have enough proper heritage” to sustain three large groups. The new Historic Britain will promote a view of the past that is in line with current views of isolationism, identity politics, a belief in superiority and will play down any links to Germanic or French based royalty and a history of immigration and social mixing.
Of course this will mean the loss of thousands of jobs, but, the hardest hit will be the manufacturers of tartan trews and waistcoats for HES tour guides and monument wardens, who will now have to walk the aisles of the gift shops wearing only smiles and badger sporrans.
It is hopes that China and America will take many of the bulkier monuments off our hands, so that we are left with only a “few dozen” manageable sites, like “that Castle from Highlander“, as well as the stones that “everyone talks about, costs a fortune to visit and my mam said was a bit disappointing, and the fruit scones were all sold out”. There was sadly no sites in Wales that anyone could think about, so it will have the recent Grand Slam winning Rugby team preserved and displayed on the Severn Bridge as a warning to all.
It is hoped that by getting rid of most our historic sites and archaeology, and reducing the national organisations to nothing more than tea towel selling gift shop vendors, that nobody will learn from the past and thus we won’t be able to complain about the post apocalyptic clusterfunt that will be BREXITshire Britain.
Most of this story is of course false – apart from 1 paragraph 😉 . but which one!