9th March 2011, 10:01 AM
(This post was last modified: 9th March 2011, 10:03 AM by Bier Keller.)
From the heart:
I make a very poor unemployed specimen. The media example of the guy who gets up around midday, spends what little cash he has on booze, tabs and other vices just ain't me. When dealing with very self destructive thoughts you need a clear head. I'm still here although there have been many times in the past when work has dried up and I have been unable to get anything (or enough to pay the rent at least) and my self-worth has hit rock bottom.
I try not to think too much, at least not about how bad things are.I try and reflect on good things and the simple things that we take for granted or never really notice - the way the Bluetits go mad for peanuts hanging from the tree, the crispness of the air early in the morning etc - and this really gets me in a better mood. Endorphins and all that stuff.
I look towards the future. Sometimes I think about how my suicide would effect those around me...those supportive family and friends who I know worry about me. I wonder if they would cry or keep a stiff upper lip. Whether the wake would be a gigantic piss up or whether it would be quite restrained as folk had to work the next day.But these destructive thoughts pass. I write that I look towards the future - some stability in my life and not worrying every month about whether or not I can pay the rent.I'll get there. I imagine that I am swimming across a pool. It is very deep and if I stop swimming, I know I will drown. So I concentrate on the far side of the pool where I have to be and try not to think about how deep the pool is. As long as I focus on where I have to be - and will be - I don't sink.Its a bit like Arthur Dent in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. He is able to fly but only if he doesn't think about it.
I try not to think about. Thats not burying the head in the sand. Thats self preservation. I try and keep busy. That, and the support of loved ones (although, it pains me to admit, not all of my close friends and family accept that depression is a real illness..."pull yourself together"...."well we all get upset some days" etc...it gets me into a right old rage being told that there is nothing wrong with me when I know very well that something is up 'in there'. I calm myself down and try not to peep over the yawning chasm that beckons...I push it away and try to be 'somewhere else') helps me a great deal.
Forages I wanted drugs to deal with this but the doctor always refused.Eventually he gave in but at that moment my desire for anti-depressants evaporated - *just like that*.I was worried about becoming addicted.
I try and stay busy and look ahead. Despite the fact that I have not had regular digging work for a while (which for me is what puts bread on the table) I have not a destructive thought for a while, so I guess I'm winning.
I make a very poor unemployed specimen. The media example of the guy who gets up around midday, spends what little cash he has on booze, tabs and other vices just ain't me. When dealing with very self destructive thoughts you need a clear head. I'm still here although there have been many times in the past when work has dried up and I have been unable to get anything (or enough to pay the rent at least) and my self-worth has hit rock bottom.
I try not to think too much, at least not about how bad things are.I try and reflect on good things and the simple things that we take for granted or never really notice - the way the Bluetits go mad for peanuts hanging from the tree, the crispness of the air early in the morning etc - and this really gets me in a better mood. Endorphins and all that stuff.
I look towards the future. Sometimes I think about how my suicide would effect those around me...those supportive family and friends who I know worry about me. I wonder if they would cry or keep a stiff upper lip. Whether the wake would be a gigantic piss up or whether it would be quite restrained as folk had to work the next day.But these destructive thoughts pass. I write that I look towards the future - some stability in my life and not worrying every month about whether or not I can pay the rent.I'll get there. I imagine that I am swimming across a pool. It is very deep and if I stop swimming, I know I will drown. So I concentrate on the far side of the pool where I have to be and try not to think about how deep the pool is. As long as I focus on where I have to be - and will be - I don't sink.Its a bit like Arthur Dent in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. He is able to fly but only if he doesn't think about it.
I try not to think about. Thats not burying the head in the sand. Thats self preservation. I try and keep busy. That, and the support of loved ones (although, it pains me to admit, not all of my close friends and family accept that depression is a real illness..."pull yourself together"...."well we all get upset some days" etc...it gets me into a right old rage being told that there is nothing wrong with me when I know very well that something is up 'in there'. I calm myself down and try not to peep over the yawning chasm that beckons...I push it away and try to be 'somewhere else') helps me a great deal.
Forages I wanted drugs to deal with this but the doctor always refused.Eventually he gave in but at that moment my desire for anti-depressants evaporated - *just like that*.I was worried about becoming addicted.
I try and stay busy and look ahead. Despite the fact that I have not had regular digging work for a while (which for me is what puts bread on the table) I have not a destructive thought for a while, so I guess I'm winning.
Belhaven is your friend